i was sitting in the bathroom today when like 5 girls walked in and i stopped pooping right away cause i didn’t want them to hear me but then i thought why is taking a shit so bastardized today like why cant i poop in peace in the privacy of my own stall without caring if people listen to the flop flop plop plop sploosh sploosh like damn just sing along to the ploop blop and enjoy symphony no. 9 a la my asshole
I have always been the kind of person who never wanted to burden people with my baggage. I never wanted anyone to be unhappy because of what I was dealing with. I always keep my mouth shut. I always offer kind word, a friendly shoulder, and a sympathetic ear. I don’t know why I’m like this I just am. But lately I just feel so alone… so isolated it is like I’ve been plucked out of my life and looking on through a fogged up window. I have tried so hard to stay positive like I have for so many years. Always the optimist, always the one to cheer up the people I care about. But what about me… I have bottled so much up I think I have reached my limit I don’t know what to do every day I struggle it’s a problem that I can’t seem to overcome no matter how much I try to I just keep coming up short. I have friends and we talk but when we talk its like im taking to myself and no one is listening. It’s a deafening silence it’s a feeling so ugly that it makes me want to cry. But I can’t talk to anyone about it because it’s the kind of thing that makes people pity and coddle me I don’t want that I want someone to listen and to understand and to tell me that I’m not broken that everything is going to be okay that I’m not just going to suffer forever. Because I think I’m about to hit the point in my life where I can’t fight anymore. The crying and the constantly trying to be happy for the sake of everything I care about is so hard and consuming I feel like I’m drowning. People ask me what’s wrong… As if the answer was so simple. As if it was really something they wanted to hear. And in the off chance that you truly do want to listen to be that which I so desperately need and want For some reason have this odd reasoning that I should tell you everything is okay because you care enough, even when it’s not true because I don’t want to burden you with the chaotic depressed ticking time bomb that are my problems. I don’t know how to do this? I’ve tried keeping myself busy and not think about it but somehow that just makes it worse because at night when it all stop and before I fall asleep it’s jus there clawing at my mind and my emotions. It’s hard and saddening. I feel like I’m emotionally drained to the point where caring is getting to hard and must be turned off. I have thought about just dropping everything and becoming invisible I mean what’s to say I’m not now… feeling so lonely in a group of so many. That kind of isolation would drive anyone insane? And I feel like I’m losing myself and everything that I have worked so hard to become I’m scared of waking up one morning and giving up on everything?